2012,
I was excited to see you come then I was certain I was ready for you to go, but now.... I think about you and you have been the biggest and most life changing year of all. It feels like any other day and to say that I'm ready to "start over" doesn't really make sense bc I can "start over" any day I wanted.
You have taught me that I am my own hero and that unless I put in the effort, nothing will change. You have taught me that not all men are the same and that heartbreak will never be easy. You taught me that if I just choose to be happy, that I will be happy and that happy people will be drawn to me. You have taught me that my family is the most loving, disfunctional, fun and poetic group of people to walk the face of the planet. You have also pushed me back onto that path with God and I have grown closer to Him every day. And you have taught me that if I am persistant enough in getting my work out on, I see changes and I feel so much better. You taught me that flying to New York sick is never a good idea. You taught me that it is possible to hike in flip flops. You taught me how to 2 step. You taught me that I need to change my oil on time. You also taught me that I can not just put air in my tires and drive from Pearland to Katy with a nail in one.
But mostly...
You taught me that even though I may have hundreds of FB 'friends' and followers who are simply curious, none compare to the small gang of those amazingly incredible and supportive TRUE FRIENDS I have gained along the way of my 29 years who really care. This year I lost people I thought would be in my life forever, but I also learned that sometimes people grow apart or change and grow out of the friendship and that is ok bc God never removes something from your life without replacing it with something better.
It makes me tear up thinking about how supportive my gang has been. I could name every single one of you, but those friendships are something that I want to keep sacred. You all know who you are and should know that I love you with every ounce of love I have.
I could sit and go on and on and about what I want to happen in 2013, but there is only one ultimate goal for 2013, to make it better than 2012. I am young and still have some growing up to do, but I vow to make it fun. Through the tears, blood, sweat and laughter I have found another part of me in 2012 and am taking it with me into 2013.
Cheers to 2012, but CHEERS to 2013, may you bring more love, happiness, traveling and success. May you be as glorious as 2012 and may you show me even more pieces of me.
xoxo
Monday, December 31, 2012
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
seven.
I remember it like it was yesterday. I can still hear the silence of my world when I hung up the phone. I can still feel the heartbreak there was that day we buried y'all. It wasn't just one family hurting that day. It was 4. That pain spread through that town like wildfire. It all happened so quick, there was no time to say good-bye. No time to hear your voice. No time to see your beautiful smile one last time.
I remember the last time I saw you, I walked right past you thinking that I'd just see you later. Now I'll only have pictures of you and moments from years ago to hold onto and cherish. I pray that the Lord does not ever let me forget you. even if His will was that, I don't think I could ever forget you.
You were destined for something amazing, but God had bigger plans for you in your sudden passing. He needed you more than we did, but the truth is, your death saved my life and many others. It brought out the best in some of us and it brought out the worst. Dad especially took it hard. I think you know this bc I believe you're watching over him. Otherwise, he would've died that day in September. You knew we all needed him more here than with you. We will all rejoice one day in the streets of gold up there in Heaven. He may not say it out loud, but I know he's still in pain. I see it in his eyes when we mention your name. Most of the time it's followed by a time that still makes us laugh. You were always good at that. You were even better at taking up for us to grandma and papa. Haha Like that time papa came and yelled at us for playing our silly little "hide & seek" game in that tiny room. He looked so funny standing there with out his glasses, hair a mess and his tighty whities hahahahaha You said "papa, we're just playing." he replied "well, keep it down" you smiled and said "yes sir" and he shut the door and I don't think we ever laughed so hard after that.
That laughter turns to tears these days knowing that your life was cut so short bc of a careless decision. You didn't get to wear a cap and gown. You won't be here for the days we all get married and have kids. I promise, if you give me a son the first time 'round, I'll name him after you. :)
Gawhd I miss you. Sometimes I think about what life would be like if you were here. How different we'd all be. Especially Brandon. He lost his big brother. He's growing up and I think we all see glimpses of you in him, but I know he misses you the most. He didn't get enough time with you. Watch him, Justin. Guide him through whatever he's dealing with. He needs to know that it's all going to be ok. He needs to know that it's alright to make mistakes. Disappointment is temporary and in time becomes a stepping stone that brings us to who we are meant to be. He needs to know that just bc you're not here, doesn't mean he can't look up to you.
Tomorrow will be 9 years and I swear it takes my breathe away every time I look back. I look at my wrists every day and think to myself.. man, I wish he was here.
It's a constant reminder of what I've lost, but also where our family has been.
If anyone is guilty of getting too busy with life, it's me, but that's a different story to tell. For now, this is my way of saying we miss you and love you.
May you, Plez and the girls rest in peace. I imagine y'all running around just having fun and being happy.
Love you more than to the moon and back.
xoxo
I remember the last time I saw you, I walked right past you thinking that I'd just see you later. Now I'll only have pictures of you and moments from years ago to hold onto and cherish. I pray that the Lord does not ever let me forget you. even if His will was that, I don't think I could ever forget you.
You were destined for something amazing, but God had bigger plans for you in your sudden passing. He needed you more than we did, but the truth is, your death saved my life and many others. It brought out the best in some of us and it brought out the worst. Dad especially took it hard. I think you know this bc I believe you're watching over him. Otherwise, he would've died that day in September. You knew we all needed him more here than with you. We will all rejoice one day in the streets of gold up there in Heaven. He may not say it out loud, but I know he's still in pain. I see it in his eyes when we mention your name. Most of the time it's followed by a time that still makes us laugh. You were always good at that. You were even better at taking up for us to grandma and papa. Haha Like that time papa came and yelled at us for playing our silly little "hide & seek" game in that tiny room. He looked so funny standing there with out his glasses, hair a mess and his tighty whities hahahahaha You said "papa, we're just playing." he replied "well, keep it down" you smiled and said "yes sir" and he shut the door and I don't think we ever laughed so hard after that.
That laughter turns to tears these days knowing that your life was cut so short bc of a careless decision. You didn't get to wear a cap and gown. You won't be here for the days we all get married and have kids. I promise, if you give me a son the first time 'round, I'll name him after you. :)
Gawhd I miss you. Sometimes I think about what life would be like if you were here. How different we'd all be. Especially Brandon. He lost his big brother. He's growing up and I think we all see glimpses of you in him, but I know he misses you the most. He didn't get enough time with you. Watch him, Justin. Guide him through whatever he's dealing with. He needs to know that it's all going to be ok. He needs to know that it's alright to make mistakes. Disappointment is temporary and in time becomes a stepping stone that brings us to who we are meant to be. He needs to know that just bc you're not here, doesn't mean he can't look up to you.
Tomorrow will be 9 years and I swear it takes my breathe away every time I look back. I look at my wrists every day and think to myself.. man, I wish he was here.
It's a constant reminder of what I've lost, but also where our family has been.
If anyone is guilty of getting too busy with life, it's me, but that's a different story to tell. For now, this is my way of saying we miss you and love you.
May you, Plez and the girls rest in peace. I imagine y'all running around just having fun and being happy.
Love you more than to the moon and back.
xoxo
Monday, January 24, 2011
six.
tomorrow.. another day still undecided.. another day torn.. just another day that i feel all over the place and trying to stay together...
i have days that i wake up feeling as if my life is falling together only to end it feeling as if it's falling apart or that it won't ever begin.
i used to wear my heart on my sleeve.. still do, only i'm not as quick to 'fall'.. or, so i thought.. i go at it with caution.. so much sometimes that i end up pushing the guy into the friend zone and it's too late to go back.. i want a man father God.. a strong one. i want someone to make me feel beautiful.. someone to make me feel like i'm the most important person out there.. give as much effort as i give.. i'm done compromising..
my problem is this... letting my guard and walls down has proven to be VERY dangerous for me bc once i do, i fall and then when i notice that i'm slipping, i run or i begin looking for ways and reasons to sabotage it before i get hurt.. that's what happens, right? everyone gets hurt in the end. what's the point? .. is there one?
i want what i want.. what everyone wants.. LOVE.. how do u tell someone that all the while HOPING they say that's what they want too?, with u! sure, it's easy to say "if it doesn't work out then it wasn't meant to be"... but the hard part is believing that.. i have almost lost all faith in what love really is bc i've been hurt so much and felt so much rejection? beginning to think there is no such thing as a soul mate.. that we are all just destined to stay single or get married but have different ppl in our lives to fulfill different needs..
opening up to someone and having the courage to stand up for how i feel and what i want and deserve, as far as love goes, has got me thinking that maybe it isn't for me.. it's so hard to not want to give up and feel defeated as i watch my friends get married or have great relationships or have babies or all of the above.. i tell myself not to be so picky.. i tell myself just go for it and be fearless.. but i find myself screaming RUN most of the time.. success in a relationship is communication but i don't have the best experience in that.. i can talk ab it and preach ab it, but it is the hardest part for me to do.
this is how i felt today.. as i'm typing this i want to cry out of frustration and sadness bc i feel so lost... father God, I need YOU! Not anyone else and not anything else. I need YOU! I need your love and I need your peace bc u know as well as i do that i am so lost. we r 25 days into the new year and i don't feel any different. I thank you Lord that you provide everything for me if i believe in u and make u my number one man. A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek Him in order to find her.
now i am done ranting and scribbling all over this screen.
i have days that i wake up feeling as if my life is falling together only to end it feeling as if it's falling apart or that it won't ever begin.
i used to wear my heart on my sleeve.. still do, only i'm not as quick to 'fall'.. or, so i thought.. i go at it with caution.. so much sometimes that i end up pushing the guy into the friend zone and it's too late to go back.. i want a man father God.. a strong one. i want someone to make me feel beautiful.. someone to make me feel like i'm the most important person out there.. give as much effort as i give.. i'm done compromising..
my problem is this... letting my guard and walls down has proven to be VERY dangerous for me bc once i do, i fall and then when i notice that i'm slipping, i run or i begin looking for ways and reasons to sabotage it before i get hurt.. that's what happens, right? everyone gets hurt in the end. what's the point? .. is there one?
i want what i want.. what everyone wants.. LOVE.. how do u tell someone that all the while HOPING they say that's what they want too?, with u! sure, it's easy to say "if it doesn't work out then it wasn't meant to be"... but the hard part is believing that.. i have almost lost all faith in what love really is bc i've been hurt so much and felt so much rejection? beginning to think there is no such thing as a soul mate.. that we are all just destined to stay single or get married but have different ppl in our lives to fulfill different needs..
opening up to someone and having the courage to stand up for how i feel and what i want and deserve, as far as love goes, has got me thinking that maybe it isn't for me.. it's so hard to not want to give up and feel defeated as i watch my friends get married or have great relationships or have babies or all of the above.. i tell myself not to be so picky.. i tell myself just go for it and be fearless.. but i find myself screaming RUN most of the time.. success in a relationship is communication but i don't have the best experience in that.. i can talk ab it and preach ab it, but it is the hardest part for me to do.
this is how i felt today.. as i'm typing this i want to cry out of frustration and sadness bc i feel so lost... father God, I need YOU! Not anyone else and not anything else. I need YOU! I need your love and I need your peace bc u know as well as i do that i am so lost. we r 25 days into the new year and i don't feel any different. I thank you Lord that you provide everything for me if i believe in u and make u my number one man. A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek Him in order to find her.
now i am done ranting and scribbling all over this screen.
Monday, October 18, 2010
five.
October 17, 2010 is a date I will never forget. It's the day my life changed forever. The day I began living for ME.
The sermon that day, at Lakewood, was like a brick hitting me in the head. I was right where I needed to be. Open ears, open mind and an open heart is what I walked in with and I left with so much more. The presence of the Lord in that building that day was so strong and so powerful.
I learned that day why I was miserable. Why I was unhappy and why I was so lost.
For so many years I have been living my life and making every single decision based on what I think other people would want me to do, think, wear and be. BAM! No wonder I've been so unhappy!! I have tried for so many years and so many techniques to figure out what my problem was and why I did not love who I was and it was bc I wasn't ME, I was me pretending to be someone else and it was taking a toll on my body, mind and spirit. I had had a mini nervous breakdown in my car a few nights before this. I was teeterring on the edge of what was real and what was not.
I have been so co-dependent on others to make me happy and have never been satisfied. Walking out of that building, I made a promise to myself that I would change and finally do what I wanted to do bc I wanted to. Be who I wanted bc it's who I am. So many people have a misconception of me bc they haven't taken the time to break down walls and find the vulnerability that is inside. There's beauty and the few people that have seen it or see it every day, love it and love me and appreciate me.
The only opinions and approvals that matter to me anymore are that of mine and my Lord Jesus Christ and my Father God. I'm done trying to seek approval from people who don't even care. They don't appreciate me and it's tiring trying to make them like me. I'm done chasing love and being depressed when I feel I have failed at it. There is no failure in love. To achieve love is to achieve the most success in life for when you have found love, there is no such thing as failure. Everything else is just a lesson learned.
I believe God has something big for me and I am just getting started. I believe in love, hope, faith and the power of the Word of God and His Word says in Ephesians 3:20 "God is able to do exceedingly and abundantly above all that we ask or think". That being said,
Father God, I come to you tonight and ask for your forgiveness. You know all that I've done, whether and sin or not and I thank you Father God that I am a part of you and I want to walk in your steps Father God and I want to fulfill your will for me. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you Father God for giving me the strength, courage, patience and wisdom to make it through this patch of dust the devil has me in. Devil, I rebuke you, I command you to release me from your grip and let me go. Let go devil! I am not yours, I am His and will ALWAYS be His! I rebuke any sickness, depression, insecurity, anxiety and fear. Thank you, Jesus, AMEN!
The sermon that day, at Lakewood, was like a brick hitting me in the head. I was right where I needed to be. Open ears, open mind and an open heart is what I walked in with and I left with so much more. The presence of the Lord in that building that day was so strong and so powerful.
I learned that day why I was miserable. Why I was unhappy and why I was so lost.
For so many years I have been living my life and making every single decision based on what I think other people would want me to do, think, wear and be. BAM! No wonder I've been so unhappy!! I have tried for so many years and so many techniques to figure out what my problem was and why I did not love who I was and it was bc I wasn't ME, I was me pretending to be someone else and it was taking a toll on my body, mind and spirit. I had had a mini nervous breakdown in my car a few nights before this. I was teeterring on the edge of what was real and what was not.
I have been so co-dependent on others to make me happy and have never been satisfied. Walking out of that building, I made a promise to myself that I would change and finally do what I wanted to do bc I wanted to. Be who I wanted bc it's who I am. So many people have a misconception of me bc they haven't taken the time to break down walls and find the vulnerability that is inside. There's beauty and the few people that have seen it or see it every day, love it and love me and appreciate me.
The only opinions and approvals that matter to me anymore are that of mine and my Lord Jesus Christ and my Father God. I'm done trying to seek approval from people who don't even care. They don't appreciate me and it's tiring trying to make them like me. I'm done chasing love and being depressed when I feel I have failed at it. There is no failure in love. To achieve love is to achieve the most success in life for when you have found love, there is no such thing as failure. Everything else is just a lesson learned.
I believe God has something big for me and I am just getting started. I believe in love, hope, faith and the power of the Word of God and His Word says in Ephesians 3:20 "God is able to do exceedingly and abundantly above all that we ask or think". That being said,
Father God, I come to you tonight and ask for your forgiveness. You know all that I've done, whether and sin or not and I thank you Father God that I am a part of you and I want to walk in your steps Father God and I want to fulfill your will for me. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you Father God for giving me the strength, courage, patience and wisdom to make it through this patch of dust the devil has me in. Devil, I rebuke you, I command you to release me from your grip and let me go. Let go devil! I am not yours, I am His and will ALWAYS be His! I rebuke any sickness, depression, insecurity, anxiety and fear. Thank you, Jesus, AMEN!
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
four.
You are nameless and you are shameless. The feelings I have for you scare me. You bring out the worst parts of me and make me feel mostly sadness and regret. I feel insecure and immature when ur in my life. I don't trust you and probably never could. You make me feel embarrassed and full of shame. Why do I allow you to make me feel this way? I don't know, but I wish things were different. I'm tired of the pain. I'm tired of the tears and I'm tired of trying to solve the puzzle. This story is over. The end.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
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