five.

October 17, 2010 is a date I will never forget. It's the day my life changed forever. The day I began living for ME.
The sermon that day, at Lakewood, was like a brick hitting me in the head. I was right where I needed to be. Open ears, open mind and an open heart is what I walked in with and I left with so much more. The presence of the Lord in that building that day was so strong and so powerful.
I learned that day why I was miserable. Why I was unhappy and why I was so lost.
For so many years I have been living my life and making every single decision based on what I think other people would want me to do, think, wear and be. BAM! No wonder I've been so unhappy!! I have tried for so many years and so many techniques to figure out what my problem was and why I did not love who I was and it was bc I wasn't ME, I was me pretending to be someone else and it was taking a toll on my body, mind and spirit. I had had a mini nervous breakdown in my car a few nights before this. I was teeterring on the edge of what was real and what was not.
I have been so co-dependent on others to make me happy and have never been satisfied. Walking out of that building, I made a promise to myself that I would change and finally do what I wanted to do bc I wanted to. Be who I wanted bc it's who I am. So many people have a misconception of me bc they haven't taken the time to break down walls and find the vulnerability that is inside. There's beauty and the few people that have seen it or see it every day, love it and love me and appreciate me.
The only opinions and approvals that matter to me anymore are that of mine and my Lord Jesus Christ and my Father God. I'm done trying to seek approval from people who don't even care. They don't appreciate me and it's tiring trying to make them like me. I'm done chasing love and being depressed when I feel I have failed at it. There is no failure in love. To achieve love is to achieve the most success in life for when you have found love, there is no such thing as failure. Everything else is just a lesson learned.
I believe God has something big for me and I am just getting started. I believe in love, hope, faith and the power of the Word of God and His Word says in Ephesians 3:20 "God is able to do exceedingly and abundantly above all that we ask or think". That being said,
Father God, I come to you tonight and ask for your forgiveness. You know all that I've done, whether and sin or not and I thank you Father God that I am a part of you and I want to walk in your steps Father God and I want to fulfill your will for me. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you Father God for giving me the strength, courage, patience and wisdom to make it through this patch of dust the devil has me in. Devil, I rebuke you, I command you to release me from your grip and let me go. Let go devil! I am not yours, I am His and will ALWAYS be His! I rebuke any sickness, depression, insecurity, anxiety and fear. Thank you, Jesus, AMEN!

four.

You are nameless and you are shameless. The feelings I have for you scare me. You bring out the worst parts of me and make me feel mostly sadness and regret. I feel insecure and immature when ur in my life. I don't trust you and probably never could. You make me feel embarrassed and full of shame. Why do I allow you to make me feel this way? I don't know, but I wish things were different. I'm tired of the pain. I'm tired of the tears and I'm tired of trying to solve the puzzle. This story is over. The end.

three.

i met you... got you.. lost you

Coldplay - A Rush Of Blood To The Head (Live 2003)

two.

Do you ever get sick of trying to make a move to stay alive in this game of life? Going broke because you want the nice clothes or car or whatever other materialistic things you can get because other people are so shallow then you begin to lose yourself in trying too hard to fit in?
I know I do. I'm worn out. I am worn out from trying to be someone and everyone to the world. Trying to please everyone by being what I think they want me to be has been the hardest part of my life and I'm tired of it. I don't need to prove anything to anyone. I'm not broken and I'm not an evil person. I am a human being who has made mistakes just like anyone else. I'm tired of hypocrites talking about my past. My past is my past and I'm not that person anymore. I' m sorry you can't let it go and have chosen to miss out on a good person because you assume you know me. I'm worn out from pretending like your words and assumptions don't hurt me. They do. They'd hurt anyone with a heart and feelings.
I had a moment today where I got a glimpse of 'reality'. It reminded me why I stay to myself. In a shell where nobody's words or gossiping can hurt me. Why I stay away from things and people that have hurt me in the past. It's like a little kid touching a hot stove and growing up being afraid to go anywhere near it because it caused them pain. I don't want to know what people have to say about me for a reason. One reason alone... it hurts. It holds me back from being ME. I'd rather go on living my life and do what I want and pretend the judgments aren't there. I am who I am and I made mistakes back in the day and some people can't give the new me a 2nd chance. I have few friends and the true ones accept me. Every bit of me. All sides of me. They support me! They encourage me! They love me! I'm tired of people preaching about letting go of the past, but yet, they don't do it themselves. It hurts!!! Some might say "the truth hurts".. no it doesn't. What hurts is that people assume they know someone and their opinions of people aren't what's true and THAT is when the pain sets in. Why do I have to prove anything to anyone? I don't! I shouldn't have to. People should give me a chance before going off hearsay.
Yes, I've made mistakes and some I regret, but it's time to let that go people. PLEASE! Stop holding people back from being who they are because they don't fit into what you think is 'right'!! It takes a toll and it's not a good one!

one.

"Life and death, energy and peace, if I stop today it was still worth it. Even the terrible mistakes, that I have made and would have unmade if I could. The pains that have burned me and scarred my soul, it was worth it for having been allowed to walk where I've walked. Which was to hell on earth, heaven on earth, back again, into, under, far in between, through it, in it and above..."

Just the other day I was telling someone how I have no 'go-to' person. You know, the ones who are the first person you call/text when something happens, whether good or bad or the ones that know everything about you, know the real you. The ones that you don't have to start over with, you can just pick up where you left off. I don't have one anymore. For a moment I felt lonely and unloved because those who were my 'go-to' people have left my life, either by my choice or theirs.
Then I realized something..... God, is my 'go-to'. Just when I feel like He left me too, He makes it known that He is there and has been since before I was born. He knows my past, my future and loves all of me no matter what. I don't have to call/text him to share good news, He already knows. I don't need someone or something to make me feel loved. I am loved.
In the Bible, Hezekiah had a moment similar to mine, only, reading his story I learned that God never deserts us. He simply let's go and let's us. He has a path for us and it is ultimately up to us to walk it. Doing so with our heads held high and eyes forward.
Sure, we stumble and fall, but that's when He shows Himself. He's there, guiding us, protecting us and undeniably loving us.
If you know me, you might know my history and that it could be a best-seller book, if it were taken to print. I feel my life is a blessing that I want to share. God has put this in me to share and listen and understand. I am so blessed to have done things I've done and learned things that I have learned. I hope that my blogs can somehow help or inspire people. I believe that God put me through what He did for one reason and one reason only, to share with others and be the person I need to be and can be for whoever it is He has planned for me.
With all this being said, God bless you and you and you!