five.

October 17, 2010 is a date I will never forget. It's the day my life changed forever. The day I began living for ME.
The sermon that day, at Lakewood, was like a brick hitting me in the head. I was right where I needed to be. Open ears, open mind and an open heart is what I walked in with and I left with so much more. The presence of the Lord in that building that day was so strong and so powerful.
I learned that day why I was miserable. Why I was unhappy and why I was so lost.
For so many years I have been living my life and making every single decision based on what I think other people would want me to do, think, wear and be. BAM! No wonder I've been so unhappy!! I have tried for so many years and so many techniques to figure out what my problem was and why I did not love who I was and it was bc I wasn't ME, I was me pretending to be someone else and it was taking a toll on my body, mind and spirit. I had had a mini nervous breakdown in my car a few nights before this. I was teeterring on the edge of what was real and what was not.
I have been so co-dependent on others to make me happy and have never been satisfied. Walking out of that building, I made a promise to myself that I would change and finally do what I wanted to do bc I wanted to. Be who I wanted bc it's who I am. So many people have a misconception of me bc they haven't taken the time to break down walls and find the vulnerability that is inside. There's beauty and the few people that have seen it or see it every day, love it and love me and appreciate me.
The only opinions and approvals that matter to me anymore are that of mine and my Lord Jesus Christ and my Father God. I'm done trying to seek approval from people who don't even care. They don't appreciate me and it's tiring trying to make them like me. I'm done chasing love and being depressed when I feel I have failed at it. There is no failure in love. To achieve love is to achieve the most success in life for when you have found love, there is no such thing as failure. Everything else is just a lesson learned.
I believe God has something big for me and I am just getting started. I believe in love, hope, faith and the power of the Word of God and His Word says in Ephesians 3:20 "God is able to do exceedingly and abundantly above all that we ask or think". That being said,
Father God, I come to you tonight and ask for your forgiveness. You know all that I've done, whether and sin or not and I thank you Father God that I am a part of you and I want to walk in your steps Father God and I want to fulfill your will for me. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you Father God for giving me the strength, courage, patience and wisdom to make it through this patch of dust the devil has me in. Devil, I rebuke you, I command you to release me from your grip and let me go. Let go devil! I am not yours, I am His and will ALWAYS be His! I rebuke any sickness, depression, insecurity, anxiety and fear. Thank you, Jesus, AMEN!

four.

You are nameless and you are shameless. The feelings I have for you scare me. You bring out the worst parts of me and make me feel mostly sadness and regret. I feel insecure and immature when ur in my life. I don't trust you and probably never could. You make me feel embarrassed and full of shame. Why do I allow you to make me feel this way? I don't know, but I wish things were different. I'm tired of the pain. I'm tired of the tears and I'm tired of trying to solve the puzzle. This story is over. The end.