six.

tomorrow.. another day still undecided.. another day torn.. just another day that i feel all over the place and trying to stay together...

i have days that i wake up feeling as if my life is falling together only to end it feeling as if it's falling apart or that it won't ever begin.
i used to wear my heart on my sleeve.. still do, only i'm not as quick to 'fall'.. or, so i thought.. i go at it with caution.. so much sometimes that i end up pushing the guy into the friend zone and it's too late to go back.. i want a man father God.. a strong one. i want someone to make me feel beautiful.. someone to make me feel like i'm the most important person out there.. give as much effort as i give.. i'm done compromising..

my problem is this... letting my guard and walls down has proven to be VERY dangerous for me bc once i do, i fall and then when i notice that i'm slipping, i run or i begin looking for ways and reasons to sabotage it before i get hurt.. that's what happens, right? everyone gets hurt in the end. what's the point? .. is there one?
i want what i want.. what everyone wants.. LOVE.. how do u tell someone that all the while HOPING they say that's what they want too?, with u! sure, it's easy to say "if it doesn't work out then it wasn't meant to be"... but the hard part is believing that.. i have almost lost all faith in what love really is bc i've been hurt so much and felt so much rejection? beginning to think there is no such thing as a soul mate.. that we are all just destined to stay single or get married but have different ppl in our lives to fulfill different needs..
opening up to someone and having the courage to stand up for how i feel and what i want and deserve, as far as love goes, has got me thinking that maybe it isn't for me.. it's so hard to not want to give up and feel defeated as i watch my friends get married or have great relationships or have babies or all of the above.. i tell myself not to be so picky.. i tell myself just go for it and be fearless.. but i find myself screaming RUN most of the time.. success in a relationship is communication but i don't have the best experience in that.. i can talk ab it and preach ab it, but it is the hardest part for me to do.
this is how i felt today.. as i'm typing this i want to cry out of frustration and sadness bc i feel so lost... father God, I need YOU! Not anyone else and not anything else. I need YOU! I need your love and I need your peace bc u know as well as i do that i am so lost. we r 25 days into the new year and i don't feel any different. I thank you Lord that you provide everything for me if i believe in u and make u my number one man. A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek Him in order to find her.
now i am done ranting and scribbling all over this screen.