eight.

2012,

 I was excited to see you come then I was certain I was ready for you to go, but now.... I think about you and you have been the biggest and most life changing year of all. It feels like any other day and to say that I'm ready to "start over" doesn't really make sense bc I can "start over" any day I wanted.

You have taught me that I am my own hero and that unless I put in the effort, nothing will change. You have taught me that not all men are the same and that heartbreak will never be easy. You taught me that if I just choose to be happy, that I will be happy and that happy people will be drawn to me. You have taught me that my family is the most loving, disfunctional, fun and poetic group of people to walk the face of the planet. You have also pushed me back onto that path with God and I have grown closer to Him every day. And you have taught me that if I am persistant enough in getting my work out on, I see changes and I feel so much better. You taught me that flying to New York sick is never a good idea. You taught me that it is possible to hike in flip flops. You taught me how to 2 step. You taught me that I need to change my oil on time. You also taught me that I can not just put air in my tires and drive from Pearland to Katy with a nail in one.

But mostly...

You taught me that  even though I may have hundreds of FB 'friends' and followers who are simply curious, none compare to the small gang of those amazingly incredible and supportive TRUE FRIENDS I have gained along the way of my 29 years who really care. This year I lost people I thought would be in my life forever, but I also learned that sometimes people grow apart or change and grow out of the friendship and that is ok bc God never removes something from your life without replacing it with something better.
It makes me tear up thinking about how supportive my gang has been. I could name every single one of you, but those friendships are something that I want to keep sacred. You all know who you are and should know that I love you with every ounce of love I have.

I could sit and go on and on and about what I want to happen in 2013, but there is only one ultimate goal for 2013, to make it better than 2012. I am young and still have some growing up to do, but I vow to make it fun. Through the tears, blood, sweat and laughter I have found another part of me in 2012 and am taking it with me into 2013.

Cheers to 2012, but CHEERS to 2013, may you bring more love, happiness, traveling and success. May you be as glorious as 2012 and may you show me even more pieces of me.

xoxo

seven.

I remember it like it was yesterday. I can still hear the silence of my world when I hung up the phone. I can still feel the heartbreak there was that day we buried y'all. It wasn't just one family hurting that day. It was 4. That pain spread through that town like wildfire. It all happened so quick, there was no time to say good-bye. No time to hear your voice. No time to see your beautiful smile one last time.
I remember the last time I saw you, I walked right past you thinking that I'd just see you later. Now I'll only have pictures of you and moments from years ago to hold onto and cherish. I pray that the Lord does not ever let me forget you. even if His will was that, I don't think I could ever forget you.
You were destined for something amazing, but God had bigger plans for you in your sudden passing. He needed you more than we did, but the truth is, your death saved my life and many others. It brought out the best in some of us and it brought out the worst. Dad especially took it hard. I think you know this bc I believe you're watching over him. Otherwise, he would've died that day in September. You knew we all needed him more here than with you. We will all rejoice one day in the streets of gold up there in Heaven. He may not say it out loud, but I know he's still in pain. I see it in his eyes when we mention your name. Most of the time it's followed by a time that still makes us laugh. You were always good at that. You were even better at taking up for us to grandma and papa. Haha Like that time papa came and yelled at us for playing our silly little "hide & seek" game in that tiny room. He looked so funny standing there with out his glasses, hair a mess and his tighty whities hahahahaha You said "papa, we're just playing." he replied "well, keep it down" you smiled and said "yes sir" and he shut the door and I don't think we ever laughed so hard after that.
That laughter turns to tears these days knowing that your life was cut so short bc of a careless decision. You didn't get to wear a cap and gown. You won't be here for the days we all get married and have kids. I promise, if you give me a son the first time 'round, I'll name him after you. :)
Gawhd I miss you. Sometimes I think about what life would be like if you were here. How different we'd all be. Especially Brandon. He lost his big brother. He's growing up and I think we all see glimpses of you in him, but I know he misses you the most. He didn't get enough time with you. Watch him, Justin. Guide him through whatever he's dealing with. He needs to know that it's all going to be ok. He needs to know that it's alright to make mistakes. Disappointment is temporary and in time becomes a stepping stone that brings us to who we are meant to be. He needs to know that just bc you're not here, doesn't mean he can't look up to you.
Tomorrow will be 9 years and I swear it takes my breathe away every time I look back. I look at my wrists every day and think to myself.. man, I wish he was here.
It's a constant reminder of what I've lost, but also where our family has been.
If anyone is guilty of getting too busy with life, it's me, but that's a different story to tell. For now, this is my way of saying we miss you and love you.
May you, Plez and the girls rest in peace. I imagine y'all running around just having fun and being happy.
Love you more than to the moon and back.
xoxo